YO!
There's a commercial on TV, I believe it is for State Farm, where a guy keeps saying that he'll never get married, never have kids, never move to the burbs, etc, and as he states all this stuff he says he's never going to do, the next scene has him doing just that.
Of course, we've all been there. The one I can most relate to is that I never in a million years thought I'd move to Long Island. Long Island represented boring shopping trips as a kid, relatives I didn't mind not seeing, and of course the Islanders.
But lo and behold, I married Tara, and Tim came along and our apartment in the city, which was barely big enough for two, was way to small for three. So we shuffled off to an apartment if Floral Park. 8 months later, we moved to Oceanside.
Oceanside is really nice. It is clean, relatively crime free, and the people are for the most part lovely. I've run into a bunch of Woodside people and a bunch of Rockaway people, so it kind of feels like I never left the homestead. Most of the time, it's a lot like Pleasant Valley Sunday by the Monkees:
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Charcoal Burning everywhere
Rows of houses that are all the same
and no one seems to care
Most of the time, that is.
Last week it wasn't.
Last week, I don't know what was going on, but it seemed like all hell was breaking loose.
Sunday night I was getting Timmy ready for bed, when I heard some lady screaming. I ran downstairs and just outside my door, and saw a woman who looked like she was being chased by a man. One of my neighbors from across the way yelled over to me, "It's OK their dog got loose." I had visions of Kitty Genovese in my head, but then, why would my neighbor say that? Maybe they really were afraid the dog was going to run out onto Long Beach Road. In any event, nothing came of it, and I felt OK going back into my house. Besides, if I'm your last line of defense against a knife wielding maniac, you are pretty much, for lack of a better term, screwed.
Monday morning, I was taking Tara to work, when we saw a bunch of firetrucks about halfway down LBR. When I got to 7-11, I heard one of the customers saying that Oceanside Chemist had burned down. Sadly, it had also taken down a bunch of apartments, leaving about 50 people homeless. The schools, churches and synagogues have all pitched in to help with the recovery, which has been heartwarming.
But remember last week, how I told all of you about Phat Daddy's and how much fun we had unwinding with a burger and a few adult beverages? Well, that also fell victim to the fire. From the outside, it didn't look too bad, but it hasn't been open since Sunday. hopefully it will get back on it's feet and the folks who were put out will recover.
The news vans and helicopters were back on Thursday for a story that I know I shouldn't find funny because someone could have gotten hurt, but still...
A retired cop went to see a friend of his, a podiatrist, in his office on LBR. The ex-cop took out his gun to show the doctor, when the gun went off, shooting the cop in the thigh, and LordHaveMercy, the podiatrist in the foot. Again, guns are no laughing matter, and with all the senseless deaths because of guns, I know I shouldn't make light of it, but c'mon? A foot doctor gets shot in the foot. The headlines write themselves.
When I was a kid, MAD Magazine did a spoof on afterMASH, a short lived show that followed the lives of Col. Potter, Cpl. Klinger and Fr. Mulcahy upon their return from Korea. In the MAD spoof, Potter tells a patient he can't help him. The patient tells Potter all he has is an ingrown toenail, and surely as a surgeon, that should be easy to take care of.
Potter; Son I suggest you go out and get yourself shot in the foot.
Patient: Why would I do that??!!!
Potter: Because gunshot wounds I can treat!
Lastly, there was the curious case of Harold Guretzky.
Guretzky, 70, had a small Cessna plane in his driveway. Apparently, he had been ordered to do what normal people do and park it at an airport. Not wanting to spring for the storage fees, he chose to defy orders, and logic, and keep it in his driveway. While Guretzky was away, the Town of Hempstead came and dismantled the plane and removed it from his driveway. This prompted Guretzky to contact the Town of Hempstead and threaten two of their officials... with a crossbow!
Guretzky was arrested and charged with two counts of aggravated harassment. He ought to be charged with threatening people with outdated weapons.
All of these incidents would be not much news if they happened on their own, but that they all happened within days of each other in my otherwise quiet neighborhood made it all the more fascinating.
Before all this, the biggest story I remember here in Oceanside was that time we had that mutt who was selling hot dogs from a truck, and then flashing her boobs at the customers. She was arrested for indecent exposure. She should have been arrested for ruining two of my favorite things.
She would have had to sell me a quart of tequila with my hot dogs for me to want to view her assets. Lawd was she disgusting!
SPORTS: RIP the 2016 Rangers.
In what was a fitting end to the Rangers forgetable season, washed up defenseman Dan Boyle jumped ugly on two reporters from my beloved NY Post. When I called him out on it on a Ranger Fan page, I got verbally assaulted about it.
According to some of these shut-ins, Boyle beef with the Post wasn't because of their calling him out for his shoddy play, but because the Post published personal info about him. Nobody was able to produce exactly what was written to set him off. Maybe it exists, maybe it doesn't. Quite frankly either way I don't care. All I know is Boyle got paid 9 million bucks for two years and did squat for us. Meanwhile Anton Stralman was allowed to go to the Lightning, Boyle can got to hell, and so can all those defending him.
The real bad news for the Rangers is that they are now going to be a year older and have only one decent prospect in their system and no draft picks the next couple of years. Sadly, 2015 was their last best chance at a Stanley Cup. Unless Scott Gordon can work some magic with the salary cap, we may be in for some long winters the next few years.
Hey, guess what I don't give a $h-t about? The NFL draft, that's what!
2016 ELECTION:
Donald Trump won all 5 states up for grabs last Tuesday, and Hillary Clinton won 4 of 5, losing only Rhode Island to Bernie Sanders.
I'm going to offer a rare compliment to Hillary, I like that when she is asked if Bernie should drop out, she says "That''s up to him." As opposed Trump, who keeps insisting that Ted Cruz and John Kasich drop out. Maybe they should, and maybe Bernie should too, but calling on them to do so makes you look like a wimp.
Hillary also claimed that she was never as divisive toward Barack Obama in 2008 as Bernie is towards her this year, but that of course was dispelled with video evidence right away. Still, it's pretty obvious that Hillary is probably going to clinch the nomination (or come damn close) on pledged delegates alone by the time the last states votes on June 7.
And some folks are saying that Cruz last stand may be this Tuesday in Indiana, but I'm afraid that Cruz ship has sailed (seewhatididthere?) There is no way he or Kasich are catching Trump, and even if he's short the delegates by the time the convention rolls around, I don't see how he can be denied the nomination, In some ways, I feel bad, I would love to see one of these contested conventions I keep hearing we're going to have every four years.
Hopefully things quiet down around here.
Have a Great Week
No comments:
Post a Comment