Weekly Mail February 12, 2017

Happy Shoveling!

          You all know I'm the first one to break chops when the weather people screw up the forecast. Brace for three feet of snow, close the schools, declare a state of emergency and martial law, and you only end up with a dusting. Predict a coating and we get buried. Seems to have happened quite a bit the last few years, thankfully the former scenario. I'm sure that's by design, it's a lot easier to explain away a misfire when there is no snow on the ground than it is when you are stuck in the house under a blanket of snow.

           So on that note, lets raise a glass to the fearless forecasters this week who nailed it. They got the timelines right, the amounts right, and the temperatures right. It's a small comfort, considering what a pain in the a$$ it was to get around on Thursday and early Friday, but at least we were properly prepared.

           I didn't hear too many complaints of people not getting their streets plowed or their cars dug out. Last year after the big January blizzard, the city's fearless leader, the dope from Park Slope (thanks Ray)  said he was going to make sure Woodside and Maspeth and Elmhurst got dug out, and then they didn't. Queens always gets screwed when it comes to plowing, but again I heard few complaints. Please if I got this wrong, do let me know. I love nothing more than to toss blame around after a snowstorm.

This time, it looks like I don't have much to complain about.


FOOTBALL: Super Bowl Wrap-Up.


I was a big WWF (now WWE) fan in the mid to late eighties, even though the script was basically the same damn thing. Hulk Hogan, the heavyweight champ, would march into the ring eyes blazing. He'd then start wailing on his opponent, tossing him around like a rag doll, all as the fans in the arena were going bonkers. Then about 2 minutes into the match, the Hulkster would get distracted, and the evil opponent would take advantage, administering Hogan a beating that would render mere mortals broken. This would go on for about 10 minutes or so.
Then as soon as the blow by blow announcer (usually Vince McMahon) said "I believe we're going to have a new heavyweight champion", Hogan would start to slowly rise to his feet, still under assault. His opponent, would have a befuddled look on his face, "I'm beating the living $h-t out of this guy why is he still getting up?" Finally he'd hit Hogan with one final shot that would get the champ upright. The next shot would be blocked, and Hogan would start pounding away. A body slam and an atomic legdrop later, Hogan would have his arm raised in victory, 20,000 screaming Hulkamaniacs going bat$h-t!

That's pretty much the same script that follows a Patriots Super Bowl isn't it? Think about the last few times the Pats won, I believe they trailed in every Super Bowl they were in. The one before this one against Seattle, they were down by 10. In this one, they were down by 25. The last time, Pete Carroll played the role of Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, the bumbling manager. This time it was Dan Quinn who blew his teams chance at glory.

The difference is that while Hulk Hogan was universally loved, the Pats are petty much despised. Which is why I made a conscious effort to not watch the game. I followed it on social media, and watched Quantum of Solace with Timmy, and a couple of Blue Bloods episodes I had saved on my DVR with Tara. There was no sense in getting tortured again. I knew the Patriots were going to come back...they always do.

And spare me the "Eli Manning is the only QB who can beat them in the Super Bowl" crap you Giant fans are going to lay on me. I'm more convinced than ever that the difference in those games was Tom Coughlin, not St. Eli. Think about it. Pete Carroll calls for a pass when every coach from Pop Warner on would ahave run the ball, and Dan Quinn calls for two pass plays when a run would have gotten the Falcons in range for a field goal that would have put the game away.

In the end it doesn't matter. I was up half the night when the Pats beat the Seahawks two years ago. The other night, since I didn't watch, I didn't care.

Oh, and one more thing... I was at my in-laws house watching the pregame show and that Pizza Hut Commercial with George Takei kept coming on. Note to Mr. Takei: I somehow made it through the 70's, 80's and 90's without hearing from you, now you clog up my Facebook feed, in addition to that annoying Pizza Hut commercial. Please boldly go back to where no man has gone before and leave me alone.

And for all those who are now offended because I'm picking on old George, here's a Pizza Hut Commercial for you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAiQkgo9gEM


ARENA SECURITY: Cutting down the Mighty Oak.

I want to start off by saying this. No fan, famous or not, has the right to assault a security guard the way former Knick Charles Oakley attacked two of the men who were trying to escort him out of Madison Square Garden the other night. Count me amongst Oakley's fans, but that was plain wrong. He deserved to be arrested for that.

That having been said, the reason so many folks are coming to Oak's defense, is that the reason he was booted from the Garden was that he was giving a verbal beatdown to MSG's owner Jim Dolan. Dolan is a hard dude to feel sorry for. Under his guidance, the Knicks have been a disaster, prices of tickets and merchandise have skyrocketed, and there have been payouts for sexual harassment (Anucha Browne Sanders) and breach of contract (Larry Brown). The Garden has become a laughingstock. The only reason the Rangers haven't been an equal disaster is that he leaves them alone.

Add that to all the crap his Cablevision has pulled over the years, and Dolan becomes practically indefensible. So there were 19,000 fans in the Garden, and millions more around the city hoping that Oakley would take a swing at the owner. I can't really say I blame them. Maybe we can get him some Met tickets so he can verbally assault the Wilpons too.


BUT IF YOU GO CARRYING PICTURES OF CHAIRMAN MAO, YOU AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT WITH ANYONE ANYHOW

If President Trump is still looking for an Ambassador to China, he may want to give Timmy a call.

Lately, Timmy's class has been doing a bunch of projects relating to our friends in the Far East. A couple of weeks back, he had to do a presentation about the history of Chinese Transportation.

Say what?

It was actually interesting and kind of fun. We learned about the rickshaw, the horse drawn carriage and the ox cart. And then the subway, the light rail and the sampan. A Sampan is a flat bottomed wooden boat. I told him he should include in his findings the fact that there are some people in Midtown Manhattan that are willing to give you a rickshaw type ride down 6th Avenue. But Tara overruled me on that one.

Last week, Timmy got his face painted in school the way Chinese children do during Chinese New Year. I just feel like we've had China on the brain for the past few weeks. Maybe this is in anticipation of the Chinese taking over the world in case President Trump doesn't make us great again like he said he would. I don't know. But Timmy is now an expert, so we have that going for us, which is nice.




Pitchers and Catchers report this week. I'm excited for this coming baseball season, but still is way too early for baseball.

Stay Warm

and Have a Great Week